Shame To Inflame

People believe that to shame something is to discourage it. It's just the opposite. You shame something to inflame it. Shaming something doesn't eliminate it. It exacerbates it. Once you prohibit any behavior, you're screwed because you've assigned a charge to that idea. You've highlighted it. You've made it special. Now, it has fuel and energy to exist.

If you want to discourage something, you have to neutralize it. It has to be no more important than all of the choices in existence. It has to be equal to everything else. Now, if you have a mechanistic mind, this is easy. All choices are equal because they exist. You could reduce them to mathematical equations or numbers. You could turn them into a series of zeros and ones or dots and dashes. Every form that you perceive as an object, body, or environment, is a resonance structure. If we used one of these languages to express all of the resonance patterns that exist, you could look them up and see them as numbers.

No matter how frightful an event or behavior might be to your right now, if you saw the resonance pattern, written on a piece of paper as a formula or number, it wouldn't seem all that horrible. In fact, it would probably bore you. That's because the idea has been equalized and neutralized by reducing it to math. Once you're looking at something dispassionately, you have the ability to choose what you want with a clear mind. Relevance becomes present. "Is this choice relevant to me and what I want?" pops up as a primary question.

The reason that people make distasteful choices is that they're not looking at life dispassionately. They're in reaction, self-criticism, and fear. When you shame and condemn certain behaviors, you're promoting reaction, self-criticism, and fear. You're encouraging people to make negative choices because they're not thinking clearly. They're feeling all kinds of bad feelings.

The solution sounds easy in the written word, but it's a challenge to employ. You have to come to the conclusion that all choices are valid, even the icky ones. They're just choices. You don't make some choices special by prohibiting them. You say that they're all the same in the sense that they're all available. No choice is wrong or shameful or bad. Some choices are distressing, painful, and unkind, but those harmful choices are no longer special. You remove the charge.

"But isn't that like condoning those immoral choices?" you say.

No. You're not promoting any choice. That's the point. Certainly, you're not promoting harmful choices. If you're concerned about morality, then teach the benefits of morality. Express appreciation in your life for people and things. That's morality. If you want to help your children make beneficial choices, then show them how to see what's of benefit to them. Educate them to look for relevance in their lives. Get them to ask, "Is this choice relevant to what I want to experience?"

For example, maybe your child is being picked on at school and, in reaction, they're wanting to light the school on fire. First, that's a valid reaction. It doesn't feel good to be picked on. Lighting the school on fire is a choice just like all other choices. It's not special because it's negative. However, is that choice relevant to their lives? Will it stop other a-holes from picking on them? Will it increase the quality of his or her existence? Will it allow them to walk down the street, feeling secure? Will it give him or her a sense of their inherent value? Will it allow them to do the things that they came to this dimension to do? It took a lot of effort to get here. Do they want to piss it away in a jail cell or juvenile hall?

What are the relevant choices that would address to this particular situation? What are those ideas, actions, and behaviors that make them feel safe? Without lifting a finger or changing anything in the moment, what things make your child feel secure? Being picked on is the feeling of insecurity. The relevant choices will involve security. That might be a cup of hot chocolate to start. Then you gently move into ideas of equality. In order to be picked on, you have to hold ideas of inequality. So, you begin to address the idea of equality and see if you can make some headway, explaining that differences don't mean unequal. This process will be individual for every person.

What you're doing is you're reminding your child (and yourself) that they're powerful, equal, significant, important, valuable beings. This is the gift of dispassion, of neutralizing all choices so that you can look at them, of taking yourself out of fear and reaction. You place yourself back in the driver's seat. Instead of life happening to you, you happen to life because you can see what's before you. Your emotions aren't running loose like a bull in a china shop.

The short of it is, if you want to create problems, then engage in shaming, guilting, and condemning behaviors. To be clear, if you label any behavior unacceptable, you're creating problems. If you want stability and solutions, then understand that all choices are valid, available, and acceptable, and look to what's relevant and beneficial to you and what you want to experience. This is not an overnight change in focus, and I'll be writing about it again and again.

You're reading by Samantha Standish. If you want to learn more about what happened in my out-of-body experience, my book, "Equal," is available for a nominal amount at,

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