I Want You To Want Me

Why do people want other people to want them?

"Uh," you answer glibly, "because it feels spectacular to be wanted."

But why does it feel spectacular to be wanted? Why do you care what's going on in another person's mind? Really? Why does it matter?

In this big, object-based world where everyone only wants to talk about all the physical stuff, why are people so focused on the mental processes of everyone around them? Wanting someone to want you is zeroing in on the mental activity of another person. In an epoch where the mind isn't supposed to matter all that much, there's an awful lot of obsession and control going on over the mental activity of others. Why?

The answer is that people are intent on the mental activity of others because they feel frequency. They feel the feelings of other people. They're in touch with the mental activity of others even though this level of exchange is not readily acknowledged by polite society. Those exchanges happen anyway, whether society acknowledges it or not, and it's so obvious that there are signs of it everywhere, including song lyrics whereby the singer is wanting someone to want him. Why would he care unless he could feel someone wanting him or not wanting him? The mental stuff is more palpable than we care to admit. The truth is that you're in contact with the mental processes of the entire planet. It's the way we're built.

Desire is a mental act. Your desire to have someone desire you is your attempt to use another person's mental activity as the means to make yourself feel good. You're making what they do with their minds the source for your feelings of acceptability. It's a bit of a dangerous game. It makes you dependent on others in order to feel good. It creates an undercurrent of powerlessness as you look to the uncertain behavior of others for your own sense of well being. I don't know about you, but I was never taught that there were any other options. Until now. I think there are other options. These other options entail looking at what's already going on with clarity and asking if doing things this way makes sense. Do you want to be dependent on other people for your own sense of value? In other words, do you need someone to want you in order to feel valid?

We've been trained to seek feedback. Look at the word itself--feedback. We're looking to be fed back feelings that we want to receive. We seek outside of ourselves the things we want to feel. Someone wanting us is a feeling of validation, that we're special, that we're good, that we're significant because we're desired. We make those feelings of worthiness contingent on being wanted by someone else. This is seriously limiting. Seriously, seriously limiting. Did I mention how limiting this is?

So, let's change the word. Let's make up a new one in its stead. Let's say we're looking for feedself. Let's make those feelings of validation, of being special, good, significant, desirable, and worthy contingent on nothing. You just feed your self those feelings without any trigger point. It's a self-feeding circuit that you create and maintain based on criteria you set up. In this case, the criteria is no criteria. You get to feel spectacular because you exist and can feel spectacular. You have the ability to feel wonderful. It's your right to feel amazing. You don't have to jump through any hoops to get there or prove that you're worthy of these things by trying to convince someone to see you in that light.

In other words, you don't have to seek out someone to want you to be wantable. You don't have to look to someone's favorable feelings about you to feel beautiful and likable and personable. You have the ability to feel these things without involving another person's mental activity. Doing this, however, is a bit like getting off of heroin, I think. It will take some practice and a period of withdrawal as you learn to live in a new way.

I don't want to depend on anyone wanting me for anything ever. I don't care if it's a spouse, a friend, a family member, an employer, a community group, or anyone, or anything, else for that matter. My goal is to self-feed myself appreciation until it "takes." This requires seeing the contingencies that I've set into place in order to detach from them. It's a bit of a process, but I'm aware that freedom lies is on the other side of these habits.

That freedom looks more and more enticing every day. Because it's not just freedom for me. I'm offering freedom to everyone I know when I don't place expectations on them. The key to all of this is to offer that freedom to myself first. In other words, simply put, I want me to want me. And that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of myself because I'm in control of the whole process. So are you.

----------
You're reading http://hummingbirddaredevils.blogspot.com/ by Samantha Standish. If you want to learn more about what happened in my out-of-body experience, my book, "Equal," is available for a nominal amount at Lulu.com,

Popular posts from this blog

Buckle Up, Dorothy, Standardization Is Going Bye, Bye

Skill Games 1: Feeling The Emphasis

Skill Games 2: Codebreaking